15 Tiny Lies All Women Have Told

Listen, you’re mainly a good person, but sometimes you just need to lie. Whether it’s to get out of something you really, really don’t want to do, or just to excuse your own poor behavior, sometimes it’s easier to tell a little fib than fessing up. Here are some of those times. DUN DUN! (That’s the Law and Order noise.)

1. What you say to your friends when you’re late: “I’m in an Uber!”

What you mean: “I’m just getting in the shower!”

2. What you say to bae when he’s about to take a shower: “I don’t know who used your shaving cream!”

 

What you mean: “I straight-up used your artisanal face shaving cream all over my legs and pits and I don’t regret it!”

3. What you say when your work bestie spills gossip about one of your coworkers: “I won’t tell anyone!”

What you mean: “The second this conversation is over, I’m texting my boyfriend, my best friend, and my other work bestie!”

4. What you say at your new friend’s birthday party: “Happy birthday! I bought this especially for you!”

What you mean: “My boyfriend’s mom gave me that loofah two Hanukkahs ago!”

5. What you say to bae when you’re running out the door: “I just need to put some lipstick on and we’re good to go!”

What you mean: “I’m gonna shut the bathroom door, take a dump, and then reapply my eyeliner for 15 minutes.”

6. What you say to your friend when you’re pregaming at her house: “Can I use your bathroom right quick before we go?”

What you mean: “I’m gonna snoop through your medicine cabinet, put on all your eye creams, and post a selfie from your toilet.”

7. What you text to your man from the bar: “I’m not drunk!!!”

What you mean: “I’m so drunk! And horny! And also please have Advil and water waiting for me when I arrive!”

9. What you say to the guy in your building who invited you to his birthday party: “Oh man, I wish I could go, but I’m out of town that night!”

What you mean: “I’ll be sitting on my ass watching Rectify but two doors down from you and you’ll have no idea because I’M QUIET LIKE A MOUSE.”

10. What you say to your bestie when she gets engaged: “Congratulations!!!”

What you mean: “Oh my God ARE YOU LEAVING ME FOREVER?!!? I mean, also congratulations, but mainly I AM SO SCARED.”

11. What you text the annoying guy who won’t stop texting you: “My phone’s about to die.”

What you mean: “I’m at 96-percent battery life and you are annoying AF.”

12. What you say to your friend who you flaked on: “I didn’t get your text!”

What you mean: “I feel bad that I was a bad friend last night and I don’t want to deal with all those shitty feelings right now so I’m just gonna lie but we both know what’s going on here!”

13. What you say to your boss who emailed you at 2 a.m. with something “urgent”: “Oh shit, it must’ve gone to my spam!”

What you mean: “ARE YOU CRAZY, MAN!??! I was sleeping and/or boning and/or having nothing to do with you!”

14. What you say to the cute guy at work: “I love David Foster Wallace!”

What you mean: “I’ve read Bridget Jones Diary 50 times. Also, I bet you never even finished Infinite Jest, because nobody has!”

15. What you say when your boyfriend asks where the Oreos are: “I don’t know”

What you mean: “In my stomach, sucka!”

source: cosmopolitan